Today is a pretty important day. About a week and a half ago my brother and his girlfriend announced they would be getting married. TODAY. They were supposed to be married May 2009 but called it off and later broke up for those that don’t know their story. They got back together a couple months ago. They’ve been going to couple’s counseling which is something my brother has NEVER done (even after all his stints in rehab – go figure). They still had the license, the rings, the dress etc. So as of 4 hours ago I now have a sister in law and a nephew. Very exciting. 10 days was not enough time to use airmiles to book a flight home (need a minimum of 15 days notice) and there were NO seat sales at all. So it would have cost me over $1000 to get there, plus there was then the whole realization that I probably wouldn’t be able to walk around the airports very well anyway. The whole idea of the quick wedding WAS so people didn’t feel like they had to travel/spend a bunch of money etc. So I made them a little video for my parents to play for them.

Stuff I blogged about a couple weeks ago has kind of gotten better. I’m at least seeing someone once a week and I have an appt. with the psychiatrist to get my meds sorted out. Plus he’ll be the one to officially diagnose me with PTSD. Turns out I still have a LOT of anger towards the driver who caused the accident, along with some hypersensitivity to things around me. I am not terribly comfortable talking about the accident, in fact usually when faced with a flashback I try to push it back as far as I possible can. This of course has contributed to my constant state of anxiety/panic. However the idea of confronting it head on is entirely too daunting and I’m not in a place where I’m able to do that yet.

I have been trying some more “non-traditional” medicine. I bought some clary sage essential oil. Clary sage is supposed to be calming to the nervous system, particularly in cases of depression, stress, insomnia and deep seated tension. I did read many places that Sandalwood is the BEST for these symptoms, however because it’s rarer and harder to harvest, a bottle (0.37 oz) runs for around $54!!! Anyway, I put a drop on a little cloth, that I put inside each of my pillowcases. I also purchased a little bottle of Rescue Remedy. Some of you might remember me mentioning buying some this summer to help Abby not be so hyper on the car ride home. Ironic isn’t it? Anyway I’ve been using it for the past couple weeks on myself and it really seems to help. Finally I got a bottle of Liquid Sleep, which is a combo of lavender, chamomile, patchouli, magnesium in a water base. You’re supposed to spray it on the soles of your feet at bedtime and the oils get absorbed into your body and help relax you. So all of these things combined with the sound machine (I find the wind one is the most comforting) along with my prescription drugs, my sleep has improved considerably. Part of it has to do with the fact that Brian hates the clary sage so sleeps as far away as possible which means no more fighting for space or blankets . There were a few more things at this store I would have LOVED but I am on a limited income while I’m not working so it will have to wait until next time. Lots of new age ideas that I’ve been interested in and frankly my religion hasn’t been very comforting to me lately so I’m definitely ready to give things like meditation, yoga etc a try.

I have thoroughly been enjoying the Olympics which those of you who are friends with me on Facebook and Twitter can attest to HAHA! The Men’s hockey of course is the highlight, along with figure skating, men’s and women’s moguls, curling and well…. anything to do with ice or snow frankly HAHAHA! It’s been a shame that the weather hasn’t been co-operating. Darn early spring – why couldn’t you be HERE instead?? I’d be thrilled to have 15C (59F) right now! Instead it’s snowing…. AGAIN.

Finally, I was playing around with the webcam and the software that comes with it. I made this little video of Abby and Miikka -enjoy!!

Best part of the Opening Ceremonies was this slam poetry presentation. I have never been so proud to be Canadian in my whole life . We are definitely more!

When defining Canada
you might list some statistics
you might mention our tallest building
or biggest lake
you might shake a tree in the fall
and call a red leaf Canada
you might rattle off some celebrities
might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie
might even mention the fact that we’ve got a few
Barenaked Ladies
or that we made these crazy things
like zippers
electric cars
and washing machines
when defining Canada
it seems the world’s anthem has been
” been there done that”
and maybe that’s where we used to be at
it’s true
we’ve done and we’ve been
we’ve seen
all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine
and turned into theme parks
but when defining Canada
don’t forget to mention that we have set sparks
we are not just fishing stories
about the one that got away
we do more than sit around and say “eh?”
and yes
we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One
who inspired little number nines
and little number ninety-nines
but we’re more than just hockey and fishing lines
off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes
and some say what defines us
is something as simple as please and thank you

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God I don’t even know where to start. I’m so tired of pretending everything is great and okay and that I’m happy. I’m not. I’m fearful and anxious to some extent all the time. I feel restless all the time. I can’t sleep properly. I cried all the way into town on Saturday because I had a random flashback to the accident and then I couldn’t stop myself from thinking and feeling all the details of it. Like when the trucker was freaking out because the car was on fire and neither Brian and I could figure out what he was saying – I realized it wasn’t just because of his accent – we were in shock and everything sounded so muffled after the loudness of the impact. That was a detail I had never noticed before. Why did it make me cry? No idea.

I’ve taken to picking my skin. BAD. Luckily (?) for me, having such dry skin I can just pick that off and not “normal” skin and I don’t have any sores on my body. The other night I was feeling anxious and without even realizing it I started picking. 3 HOURS LATER there was nothing left for me to pick. It felt so comforting at the time but when I was done I felt so…. embarrassed. The skin was everywhere and I made Brian help me vacuum it all up and change the bed. I keep catching myself doing it while I’m lying in bed reading, watching TV etc. I don’t even do it consciously nor do I realize I’m feeling anxious until after the fact.

The biggest thing that’s scaring me though is my sleep. I can’t seem to fall asleep on my own. The nights I go to water aerobics (yes I’ve been going now for the last couple weeks and it’s great) I am so tired I pretty much just fall into bed. The other nights though are tragic. I’ve stopped drinking anything with caffeine in after a certain time of day to see if that would help – nope. I’m still taking muscle relaxants and the sleeping stuff I was given right after the accident and it’s not enough anymore. So for the last week I’ve been having a drink or two right before bed and that helps me sleep through most of the night. This morning I realized that probably is not the healthiest thing to be doing because I don’t want to become an alcoholic. I’ve heard horror stories about people become addicted to drugs and/or alcohol after a trauma because of reasons just like this. I don’t want that to be me.

I really thought I would be back to work now. Today is 6 months since the accident. In some ways it feels like 6 years and in others it feels like 6 hours. I’m having a hard time not breaking down just writing this all down and it shouldn’t be so hard. I miss my job and my coworkers. I miss my kids! I miss being a part of something important and contributing to the life of others. I miss cooking. I still can’t stand to cook a whole meal. I miss taking Abby out in the snow to play and I can’t even teach Miikka how to walk on a leash properly yet. Luckily he’s a huge mommy’s boy and stays right beside me at all times anyway. I miss feeling confidant when I drive that I am a good driver. The accident wasn’t even my fault. I am still a good driver. But in the back of my mind and in result of everyone else being so worried about me driving – I don’t believe that anymore. The comments about “not being sure if you should drive on the roads like this” hurt me. I’ve driven in worse and done just fine but at this point I have zero confidence that I can do it now. I still have such anger and nowhere to direct it.

Is it possible to get depressed after being on anti-depressants for 6 months?

I came across an ex-friends’ Twitter account yesterday. You know how you can enter your email address and it will tell you if any of your contacts are on and you can follow them? Well I thought I have removed every trace of her just to find out not so much. So I read it. And it was unbearable. I miss her so much, but so much has changed and so many horrible things were said (on her end). She’s the one who ended the friendship. She thought I’d done something, never gave me a chance to explain and then went batshit crazy, using every secret and private thing I had ever told her, against me. I still miss her. Or I miss the her that I was thought was one of my closest friends. I miss the day long chats, I miss the hockey/Supernatural/anything awesome squee. I miss making plans and having epic phone conversations. I miss having someone to talk to about the things that only she would ever understand. I know we can never go back, nor would I want to, but ever since it’s just felt like this little piece of my heart was missing. Thankfully I’ve made a couple really amazing new friends, but nobody will ever get me like she got me. If you have a friend like that, hold on to them and don’t let go, especially over stupid shit that in the big scheme of things doesn’t really matter.

In totally off topic other news…. I’ve finally figured out exactly what I want for my next tattoo! Hoping I’ll be able to save up enough to get it this summer *fingers crossed*. Now I just have to pick WHERE. I’m thinking down my forearm. Anyway – here’s a picture! Design by Jasmine Becket-Griffith!

It’s been a mellow week over here. Got my guitar picked out and ordered (I went with a Fender), Miikka is starting to get the hang of going potty outside, got the go ahead from physio to start doing water aerobics, coffee date and entertaining conversations with an awesome new friend, my first stand up shower in almost 6 months (well half a shower, my leg gave out before I could wash my hair), and general coziness. It’s been wicked cold and nothing is better than curling up on the couch with a blanket, your pets, your sweetie and a good movie/TV show.

Go my Olympic Red Mittens in the mail today! They’re so pretty, and very thick and comfortable. Looking forward to wearing them as they make me feel very patriotic. You all know how I feel about Olympics never mind WINTER Olympics lol! Definitely looking forward to all of it and with it being in Canada there’s an extra sense of excitement. 36 more days!!!

Got some money from my Mom to get some new books. Here’s a few I’m looking at, wondering if anyone has read any of them/thoughts etc?! Appreciate the feedback!

1.Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson
2. The Childrens Book by A.A. Byatt
3. Unclean Spirits (The Black Sun’s Daughter, Book 1) M.L.N. Hanover
4. Darker Angels (The Black Sun’s Daughter, Book 2) M.L.N. Hanover
5. Dead Witch Walking (Rachel Morgan, Book 1) by Kim Harrison
6. God’s Behaving Badly by Marie Phillips
7. Dead and Gone by Charlaine Harris (I have all the other books in the Sookie Stackhouse series all in paperback. This one is still in hardcover but comes out in PB in March.)

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in almost 3 weeks again *sigh*. It’s not like I have so much going on that I don’t have time!

Christmas was really great this year. Brian’s Mom is up again and we spent Christmas Eve with Bill and Karen. We stayed up entirely too late but it was well worth it! Christmas Day was back out to the Bjornsons’ which always a good time. We took Miikka with us and he was a superstar. The food was fantastic and we ended up playing Things and Taboo for most of the night. Boxing Day we ended up skipping the chaos and the sales because my leg was killing me :sad:. However we did spend most of the evening/night over at Petryk’s and again the food was great and the company was fantastic! It’s really nice that even though I’m so far from my family I have so many special friend-family to spend the holidays with!!

Since everyone else has done it, here’s a little list of what I got from Santa this year lol!

New Snowman decoration
chocolate
Sarah Jessica Parker’s new perfume “Endless”
Harry Potter HBP on blu-ray
True Blood season 1 on blu-ray
Supernatural season 3 on blu-ray
Star Trek on blu-ray
Books
LUSH
tea towels
Snowman ornament
gift cards for Walmart = Rachael Ray skillet and a waffle iron
Money
Random odds and ends I can’t think of right now lol

We went into town yesterday since Brian had a dentist appointment and I still managed to get in on some Boxing Day sales (I spent like $250 haha). It was all useful stuff though, like Pyrex baking dishes and bowls, cookie sheets, lots of treats for the dogs, a new bed thingy for Miikka, the above mentioned stuff bought with the gift cards and some other little things. Made a run to the liquor store for the party tonight along with a TON of food. We’re having a bunch of people over, and everyone is bringing something. We’re just going to hang out, have drinks, play games and fire 2009 as soon as possible!

2009 has not been my year. Or the last half anyway. Here’s my year in review:

January:
Started off excited because my hockey team was playing in the New Years Day Winter Classic – and won!
Had the flu
Worked lots and loved it
Ended a toxic friendship
Found out NKOTB was coming through Canada again and GOT FRONT ROW SEATS!

February
Kate Winslet won an Oscar and I cried
Brian got me Centre Ice for Valentines Day

March
Saw the specialist who was AMAZING and started the process of getting sterilized. Too bad it’s been postponed indefinitely because of the accident

April
My doctor up and left town
NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK
30 Hour Famine with the kids at work
Hockey playoffs started

May
Joined Twitter (http://twitter.com/slayergirl78)
More hockey playoffs
Found out my Dad has MS
Found out Brian’s dad had skin cancer
My domain was hacked ugh

June
Work
More Work
My team lost in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals BUT I STILL LOVE THEM

July
THIS!

Trip to Alberta
Brian’s 30th birthday!
HARRY POTTER MIDNIGHT SHOWING!!
Adam and Maria’s wedding!
Mini golf with Grammy
HOT weather!
And finally…… the accident that totaled the car and my leg, so in the hospital having surgeries for the rest of the month

August
In the hospital
Day pass to come home and Brian had organized a huge bbq with a bunch of friends
Missed seeing AC/DC in Regina :(

September
Still in the hospital
Finally got to go home!
Mom came to take care of me

October
Still in a wheelchair but the cast is off
Hockey season starts
My birthday
World Series
Lots of books
Flu shots

November
Found out about Miikka!
Missed my trip to Toronto to see Steve Yzerman inducted into the HHOF – still bitter
Started being able to do some walking with a cane
Got the ok to start driving!
Went to P.A. with Jackie, met up with Faydra and Liz to pick up Miikka!!

December
Wheelchair ramp removed
Bones are officially healed, now just physio to build up muscle strength and endurance
World AIDS Day
Playing Cupid (and they’re joining us for NYE, I’m awesome oh yeah!)
Christmas and all the above mentioned stuff

Finally, New Years Resolutions. Usually I don’t make them but after everything that has happened this year I decided it was a must! So I’ve made 3!

1. Learn something new. Hence, buying a guitar and signed up for lessons!
2. Water aerobics as soon as I get the ok from physio. Be better for my leg and I have a friend or two that will do it with me! I meant to start this in September but OBVIOUSLY.
3. Do the 50 book challenge. 50 books. 1 year. Totally made for me!!

So here’s to firing 2009 and wishing everyone a wonderful, safe and Happy New Year!!